It has been 13 years since my mother developed a psychotic disorder. Although her manic often violent episodes don’t happen as often as they use, it is to this day something that I struggle to deal with.
I was looking through some old photos today which brought in a flood of emotions. I see pictures of my mom and me when I was younger before the year 2004 and I can’t help but cry. It’s hard to grasp the fact that the person she was in those photos I will never experience again. The worst part is that because my memory is so bad I don’t even remember what she was like before her psychotic break. I hate the fact that, that how she is now is all I’ve known.
I try my hardest to understand who she is now even though it has been 13 years. I really wish she would go the doctor and get help, but she doesn’t think anything is wrong with her. I can’t force her, so it is an everyday struggle. Making her mental health issues about me sound selfish but lately I feel like I am the one with the mental illness. I am not sure how much more I can take. Sometimes I just want to have a conversation with my mom, but I can’t. There is no such thing as a normal conversation with her any more. No getting advice, joking around or just talking. I was only 10 when she started to change, so growing up through my teens to early adulthood, I pretty much fended for myself.
I know there is help out there for here if she would just accept it. Right now I am just wondering if there is help out there for me…